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July 28, 2011

What Do You Know About That Muffin Top?

by thenattyurbanite

Dear Natty Urbanite:

My buddy has been putting on the pounds. How should I tell him to lose the flab? It’s kinda affecting our group dynamic. MHR

Dear MHR:

Just shut your mouth! Just shush! Let me do the gentlemanly thing and laud you for ‘caring’ about your friend. Now, pleasantries aside, let me lay it down for you. You’re kinda a d*ck a little pill. “Affecting our group dynamic” is that code for “hot girls don’t come up to us in clubs anymore because he’s kinda a chubster”?. Or “the nightclub chapter of the Skinny People Club stipulates that membership can be revoked if we are caught in public with heavy-set folk”?

As they [I] say, no one wakes up suddenly weighing 300lbs. Your buddy clearly realises when he looks in the mirror; puts on pants; gets winded running after a streetcar; orders the full rack o’ ribs that comes with a side of 1/2 a chicken, that something’s not ok in his membrane. As someone who has struggled with weight issues [ohh the demon cake], eight times out of ten sudden [over a short period of time] weight-gain is triggered by an emotional problem. So do the fraternal thing and [dig deep down in that callous heart of yours] ask him if everything is ok as you’ve noticed that he “hasn’t been himself of late”. Use that exact phrase. Text it to yourself. Write it on your bathroom mirror. Tiger Mother rote learn it. Then you’ll probably learn that he’s facing a tough time at work; has a family member who is ill; struggling with his sexuality… if it’s the latter let’s see how that affects your “group dynamic”. 

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