On Bread & Other Dinner Dilemmas

A co-worker was recently at a holiday dinner party and called me [from the washroom] to ask what the general rule was re: bread at dinner. I began giggling and asked if someone was using his/her teeth to rip the roll. His response, “how did you know?!”

There are a number of things that put the fear of Jesus into many people – my mother, tax deadlines, annual reviews and formal dinners. Whether the meal is served family style [on platters that people help themselves from] or plated course-by-course, many people seem to mess up when it comes to the bread.

1) Don’t bite into your bread. Tear off a piece of bread with your hands and, if so inclined, butter it. Yes, butter each piece of bread.

2) When you’re done with a particular course, it is acceptable to take a piece if bread and mop up the juices on your plate. Use your fork to move the piece of bread around the plate, in a gently wiping motion, not as if you are scrubbing away evidence.

3) Here’s the doozy. If you are not provided with a bread plate [I know right, but let's not judge] the rule of thumb is to place your roll/piece of bread on the table cloth.

4) This has nothing to do with bread but rather the awkward moment created by the last morsel on the platter at family style dinner service. If you’d like the last prosciutto-wrapped quail, offer it to everyone at the table [pray that they all decline] and when they do, help yourself.

Happy Holidays!

Party Politics

The office party is honestly a pulsating HR disaster. Arch nemeses + surly & bitter coworkers + a handful of interns – spouses & significant others + alcohol + unrequited love/intense crushes – any sense of propriety = drama. Don’t be the person who has to be sending apologetic emails the next day whilst praying that you aren’t called in for a ‘chat’ and made to watch the harassment video, again.

As prudish as it sounds, your office party isn’t really where you want to let loose and go wild. Well, maybe you can but c’mon, do you really don’t think that your VP won’t remember your slurred diatribe about the one-ply toilet paper on your floor?

I have a list of rules guidelines of how to successfully navigate your office party without incurring embarrassment.

1. Take cues from your boss. If he/she is still in work mode and keeping the conversation very beige, take a hint and don’t stir the pot. Don’t start talking about your childhood and the horrible date that you had last week. Keep it amicable but professional.
2. The two drink maximum. If you can really hold your alcohol, the drink maximum is on a sliding scale. I can have five drinks before I start getting really friendly. And believe me I’m not usually. Don’t allow your superiors to see you getting all lushy and when you start feeling tipsy, stop drinking and take the party elsewhere.
3. The fake teetotaler. Depending on the company that I’m in, I oftentimes use this trick. I visibly have two glasses of fizzy water and then switch to vodka or gin and ask the bartender to serve it to me in the same water glass. To pull this off effectively, restraint in key. Have one or two drinks less that the your ‘maximum’. It shows that you’re in control or hardcore straight edge.
4. Leave situations at the door. It’s a festive occasion, do not engage your nemesis. Stand in your corner across the room and give intermittent stank-eye, you know just to let him/her know that you’re feeling merry but not gonna sweep ‘this’ under the mat.
5. Promotion and raise, what promotion and raise? The party is not the turf on which you want to bat for a raise or promotion. Just because your boss’ icy personality has thawed some, does not give you license to start talking serious business. You can plant the seed by saying “come January I’d like for us to spend sometime discussing how I could contribute more to the organization”. That is all.
6. Don’t eat where you… Do I really need to discuss how bad it is to do an office hook-up? If your company is 1500 people strong, maybe take the chance. But, if your office occupies one or two floors, don’t.
7. Be polite, kind and gracious. Whatever the venue, on-site or at a hotel, always be polite to the serving staff. You don’t want to have people going around saying “the people from Blue Crystal Energy are a mean/tight-fisted/overly demanding bunch.” Tip the bartenders and say thanks to the poor girl whose job it is to tote around that oversized platter of coconut shrimp.
8. Leave before it all ends. This is not the place to put into effect the “I don’t stop dancing until the DJ stops spinning” rule.

How to Wrap a Gift

Whoever invented gift bags and environmentally-suspect coloured tissue paper is a God-send in my eyes. However, there is always a place for a well-wrapped gift [and not just under my Christmas tree]. Before you get all Martha Stewart there are a few essentials that you need in order to perfectly wrap a gift.

1. Sharp scissors
2. Invisible tape
3. A ruler [if you're really anal]
4. Good quality wrapping paper [not the kind that tears from staring at it too hard]
5. Ribbon, pre-made bows and other decorative fandangles.

Below are three great videos on how to wrap all sorts of gifts.

So I Hear that Christmas is Coming

Ahh, the holidays. At the time of writing, it’s just six more sleeps until Santa breaks into many houses and brings gifts for the good kiddies. I spoke with my parents last night, and when I asked my father how he was doing, his response was “well I hear that Christmas is coming.” You see my father who is Jamaican, but of Scottish descent has the driest sense of humour. What he wanted to convey was that he really wasn’t prepared for the Yuletide season.

Oftentimes we get bogged down with what to buy for whom; we go into a mall and immediately are awash with panic and nausea. Or, there are those of us who are depressed as we may be far away from home. Whether you celebrate Christmas or not, this time of year should be filled with the song of laughter and the warmth of friendship. And if you have neither of those things in your life, I hear that Craigslist has a section for that.

Up until New Year’s Eve, all my posts will be focused around getting through the holiday season, and on New Year’s Day, I’ll be telling you how to go on a ten-day juice cleanse. Your liver will thank you.

So here’s to eating our body weight in Scottish shortbread cookies and fruitcake; drinking champagne like our last name is Winfrey; and untagging ourselves from Facebook photos that we have no recollection ‘posing’ for.

May your Holidays be merry & bright.

Aww You’ve Got the Sniffles

Nowadays calling in sick is easier than ever. Many workplaces still have the rule that if you wish to do so you have to get a manager on the phone. Others allow their employees to text, bbm, email or send a carrier pigeon to the boss saying that they are too ill to come in. Bosses [well most] won’t make you feel guilty about taking a sick day, but they do demand that when you call in sick that it’s done respectfully and with some regard for the business.

Here’s the way to effectively call in sick –

1 – Ensure your not just sick of your job. Just saying.

2 – Contact your boss or another manager before you’re supposed to be at work. The 9:05am call doesn’t help your case.

3 – Sound like you’re dying. No, seriously. Think about it, if you sound
yourself it’s just gonna raise some red flags.

4 – If you think that you need to cover your ass some proof [and from your working environment you will know if you do], head to a walk-in clinic and see a doc. The next morning take the note to HR.

That’s it. Don’t forget to drink lots of liquids, NyQuil counts, and catch up on Man vs Food.

Clink Clink: The Manhattan

The modern gentleman needs to know how to make a few solid cocktails. Rye and Ginger is not a cocktail. This is the first cocktail recipe in a series called Clink Clink, in which I’ll share some of my favourite drinks.

My friend Erik Sjoholm introduced me the beauty that is Maker’s Mark bourbon and I love using it to make my drink of choice – the Old-Fashioned. At 416 Snack Bar in Toronto the bartenders there make it just the way I like it. Below is the recipe.

Ingredients
1 sugar cube
2 dashes Angostura bitters
1 ounce Maker’s Mark
Orange peel

Method
1 – Place the sugar cube (or 1/2 teaspoon loose sugar) in a lowball glass.
2 – Splash on the bitters.
3 – Muddle the sugar and add ice cubes.
4 – Twist the orange peel over the ice to release the oils.
5 – Drop the peel on the ice.
6 – Pour in the bourbon.
7 – Stir and serve.

How to Make a Bed

Every man should know how to properly make a bed. Below are two instructional videos on how to do just that. If you’re in love with hospital corners as much as I am, the second video is for you.

 

It’s a Matter of Respect

Dear Natty Urbanite:

I was in the cafeteria at work the other day and a co-worker, who I don’t know well, asked me to pay for his lunch as he forgot his wallet on his desk. Lunch came to $17.83 and he asked me to give him the debit receipt so that he knew how much to repay me. A few days later he repays me by handing me an envelope containing $15. Am I right to be bothered by his blatant slap in the face? RL

Dear R.L.:

Clearly you’re a baller and buddy recognizes that. Joking. This punk fella is the prime reason why No Scrubs was written and is sung with estrogen-laden gusto at karaoke bars globally. If he’s going to stiff you close to $3, especially after asking to hold on to the receipt and placing the repayment in an envelope [that I'm sure he stole from the company's stationery closet], imagine the back rent that he owes his parents?

Listen, you were taught a very important and inexpensive lesson – that this guy is a cheapskate. You have a job and can afford to buy lunch so I know you ain’t hurting for the $3, but it’s the principle. And I’m all about principle. I bet this guy is a repeat offender; Nicole in Marketing buys him a Grande latte and he repays her with a Tall mild.Tsk tsk.

My general rule of thumb is this, whatever you owe someone, repay in full [Interac e-Transfer is amazing] and if the amount isn’t a whole number and you’re paying in cash, round up to the next currency denomination [ex. debt is $22 repay $25]. That simple. Now you know never to go out for drinks with this guy. By the way, why was his wallet on his desk?

How to Order at Starbucks

I’m clearly not the average Starbucks customer because, the most complicated I’ll ever get with my order is by asking for no foam. Ok maybe I’m lying. However, there seems to be an art to ordering a fancy coffee drink beverage at Starbucks. So I asked the barista on duty and he simplified it for me. Below are his tips. Number one is mine.

1 – Get off your cellphone [I'm sorry but your bbm can wait] and properly greet the person at the till.

2 – State the size of the beverage.

3 – State the type of milk that you would like.

4 – State your specifications for temperature, sweetness or foam/whip.

5 – State the kind of drink.

That’s it! Here’s an example:

Gentleman: Morning, how’s it going?

Surprised Cashier: Ahh, great thanks and you?

Gentleman: Super, thanks for asking.

Surprised Cashier: What would you like today?

Gentleman: I’ll have a Grande, non-fat, four pump hazelnut, no foam, extra hot, Americano Misto please.

If you’d like to thank me for making your life easier, buy me the drink I used in the example. It’s what I normally order.

Don’t be This Guy

Workopolis has launched an amazing new marketing campaign entitled The Candidate. It follows a fictional character, George Turnbull [pronounce Jhoorge] as he attempts to find a job. It’s an amazing lesson in what not to do, or better yet, who not to be. See all the videos at after the jump.

The video I’ve chosen stars some of my past co-workers and my special girl, Racquel!